The first ex-girlfriend

Life introduced itself in all kinds of surprising ways. After being submissive and meek all my life, a late bloomer of sorts, I had blossomed, but into a man. I was in control of my life, fearless and unstoppable. I made friends and with friends came their friends. And that’s when I met my girlfriend, now my ex-girlfriend.

I hated the idea of people having an ex-girlfriend. I had ideals to be met. I was distant from any form of cheating, lying, and manipulation. Hard work and honesty were the way to go, and it earned me the respect of others. I had told myself I would only meet someone once I was financially stable and mature. I would only meet someone, if I thought I would marry that person, if she was that special kind.

My ex was all those things I looked up to. She was smart, well-spoken, funny, goofy, didn’t take herself too seriously and she was sensitive towards everyone. She was simple, but beautiful. She was cute, short, on the ‘healthier’ side but I believed in that concept of graceful, inner beauty. She was known to my friends and we had become good friends over the months. I finally overcame my fear of asking her out.

She was on a call with someone, visibly upset, when I asked her, ‘Was that your boyfriend?’. She snapped back saying, No! And what kind of question is that?! Slowly, and gradually I spilled it all. She said needed some time to think about it.

I was a few years older, and a Roman Catholic, Christian while she was a Hindu. But hey, we were from the same native place, and our folks knew the common language. Her grandparents had worked in the same company as my father. Quite a lot in common, surely no one would take offense if she said yes. I would talk about all my friends and mention her to my parents and in my head, they appeared approving.

She did say ‘Yes’, and we went for a movie and I was extremely nervous. She giggled and laughed about it after the movie. She had 3 ex-boyfriends / crushes from college. I had no ex-girlfriends, no dates to talk of. Maybe she felt hopeful that I’d be a simple guy. I was 28 and I was simple.

I had seen the last guy she was with. He was a pious Christian, a hero. He’d go drinking with his friends, get drunk, while she waited for him near the bar. Then, they’d fight, and he’d shout at her, and she would go crying. Once, I went out of the way to ask her if she was okay. Somehow, I felt that I’d be a better guy to her.

We went out again, and she giggled and laughed at my awkwardness some more. The third time, we went out as a couple to a common friend’s wedding. I met some more of my extended friend circle there and it was a beautiful experience.

She had own issues though. Her sister had eloped with a guy after one of their parents disapproved of them. Her father was a drunkard and would beat up his wife. The guy’s parents had come to see her family when her father was in one of his intoxicated state. She stayed clear of all the trouble. She stayed with her uncle and aunt who had no children. They were rational, sensible people.

Our friends would ask us in isolation if we liked each other, and that we made a cute couple. We’d say No! in disgust. Eww! Nothing of that kind! Then, we’d laugh behind their back about the whole thing.

I thought I was unstoppable. Her brother in-law had disapproved of me. During this period, he had tried to abandon his wife but I’m glad they stuck together. Regardless, I was judged, being a Christian. I honestly wasn’t one. I was a non-believer, and I was already very vocal against faith.

After our fourth outing, I came home, and I mentioned it jokingly to my folks. I think I like her and I think we might have a future. My life turned around that moment onward. My father was numb to it, cautioned me about not falling for the first girl I liked. I assured him I had seen a lot of girls in other circles, even girls of our ‘faith’, but no one was nearly as nice.

My mother’s face turned cross and reluctantly, she kept nodding her head, in disgust. She didn’t say anything. I think she was trying to be polite, but she told me to stop it right away. ‘We can’t have a Hindu daughter-in-law’. Our family will laugh and mock us. Our only child cannot marry a Hindu. My mother would make my life miserable.

That was the most disheartening moment of my life. I was let down and I had made promises to my ex. At home, it wasn’t a discussion or disagreement, it was a blunt and cold, No. There was nothing to discuss. From that moment on, no talking about, requests to call her over to meet them were shot down. My mother did not want to talk to her parents either.

I would go to work every evening and meet her. We’d walk through the late evenings through the calm, residential areas of west Mumbai, sit in a park and the sea-side. We’d talk endlessly, on our long journeys back home, and after dinner and on our way to our jobs. We would meet on weekends too.

Every single day, I fought with my mother. My father would be a mute spectator. He made his attempts to pacify us, but my mother was always domineering. I received no support from any of my family. I would talk to my ex about it, but she probably could not gauge the intensity of our fights.

I would be abused, I would be threatened. I was told I should leave the house, I should go with that shameless woman. I was told I’d be dragged on the streets and beaten by her thugs, and that she would cheat on me. I was kicked several times in the middle of the night on my face, in my sleep, screamed at, told never to meet her again. I was told I should die, and the hope that I die at the hands of the thugs her family would send. I went through this for the year and half that we were together. My ex knew nothing of what was said, just that I was down every day from the arguments of last evening, and the arguments I had go to home to.

I went through that ordeal at home, skipping meals, not talking, then making attempts again of making peace. I tried to be nice to my parents. I tried to convince my father to convince my mother. He seemed neutral, not thrilled but my mother would never budge.

I cleared my graduation after my nearly decade-long struggle with IGNOU. My girlfriend was delighted about it. And then, I got a job offer from a major company. I went through rounds of interviews and I was selected. The two of us were delighted. This was good news for us. I would make nearly twice of what I was making, nearly 10 times more than my first job nearly 6 years back. We could settle down if we wanted.

My new job was much closer to home, nearly 2 hours from my ex. It would be difficult to meet her, so it would be only over the weekends now. She was supportive of me and assured me it’d be okay! Our large group of friends went out for a weekend outing, after which I broke the news. They were shocked, then excited and happy for me. I cried at my farewell at work. I was leaving the best two years of my life.

After work that evening, I met her, and we did our routine walk. We settled down at a seat near the station on our way back, and chatted about things, and meeting after the new year. I was going to visit Mangalore before I took on my next assignment. I didn’t know when, but we’d meet on a weekend.

My mother threw a fit after we returned from Mangalore. I was screamed at for wanting to go meet her. I was abused and screamed at through the day. I was cornered, and I realized, I am not unstoppable. I am a submissive guy, to intimidation and my sense of control, a delusion.

I messaged her and told her, it’s over. I will not see you anymore. And I don’t want this anymore. I blocked her out everywhere. She could do nothing about it.

I was lying. This was my first ever relationship and I did not know better.

I meant to tell her, I can’t come meet you without getting into an argument at home, and I don’t know if you can handle my mother. I don’t know if you can handle the same ordeal when you tell your parents. I made the fears put in my head, real to save both of us the trouble. I abandoned her, so she could live her life without fear, without ever having to face this.

I cried the days after and I went to my new job, upset and furious and down. This was a dull experience. There was no joy anymore, no friends. I ate alone when the canteen was the emptiest. I sat and watch people go by then reach my seat. I would work and leave on time and lock myself inside my room. I wanted her to carry on, at the expense of coming across as someone who went back on his promises.

I refused to talk to anyone for the next two years. I avoided my friends who made me feel great those years. I avoided all family outings and get-togethers. I skipped meals at home. I got into many arguments. I walked out of home one evening and had to return when my father panicked and filed a complaint at the police station.

Some 6 months later, she called and we spoke for a few minutes. It was so good hearing her, and she was still there. She asked me how I was. She nearly cried towards the end of the call and asked me if I would please come meet her. I said no.

The sheer humility one needs to go through, knowing that you are satisfying the ego and demands of others is humiliating. The feeling of letting others move on, at your expense is depressing. I shut myself off.

I wrote to my ex a year or two later. I apologized for everything. I tried to tell her I didn’t mean to hurt her. I did it, because I couldn’t stand up to my parents. She didn’t entertain my apology. She responded saying she had found someone, and she told her parents too. Her brother-in-law was right. I was to be avoided.

I was hurt. I was furious she had found someone, and she had told her parents. I did not get such an opportunity!

Here I was still down, still depressed, avoiding people and not looking out for myself. I was still blaming myself, with regret and guilt. So, I responded, with all the emotions I could find. She responded with “He did not do what you did to me.”

All the high morals, the values and pride I held, all that honesty and integrity and hard work was pointless. I had messed up by breaking my promise. It broke me.