A letter to my first...

A colleague at work who has been on the lookout for proposals, asked me casually, who would I have married, had it not been for the major issue. Quickly, I admitted jokingly it was X2 and why, only to realize that I was so, so wrong. There was no way that me, in my senses would’ve ever settled down with X2, or X3. When I got back home from work, it took me no time to realize the very glaring fact that I would have ended up marrying my first ex-girlfriend. That pulled me into a whole barrage of memories and spirals, things I wish I had forgotten. I realized, I was way happier then, than I have ever been.

Practically every single event, every single moment, walks, talks, lunches, movies, arguments, persuasion, outings with our friends, every single happy and funny moment, is fresh in my mind. I’ve felt extremely depressed the past two weeks and it has bothered me. When I last interacted with her nearly 5 years ago, I think it was me apologizing but we got very upset. I think she blamed me, saying she’s marrying a guy because he didn’t do, what I did to her. I don’t know why I did what I did, and if this was what I expected.

That stung a lot, and it stuck. I think a lot of my attitude change, my energy levels, lack of patience and optimism roots from this regret from nearly 8 years ago. I don’t think I ever told her what conspired, and I had to send her a mail, so she knows. The decision to stop interacting with her in 2012, was eventually mine, so the blame lies with me. I regret it because instead of expecting some form of normalcy, my situation got far worse. In retrospect, the friction at home was the easier part and I should’ve held my ground. There were reasons, and a sense of helplessness that led me to make that move. I sent her that mail. I don’t think I’ve waited for a reply, this badly.

I have assumed my mail ended in her spam, so I messaged her then, close and common friend if she might have read it. She said she hadn’t spoken to my ex in nearly a year. That’s very unlike her. I’m expecting them to speak sometime in the next few weeks, maybe months.

A few shameless stalking attempts by me reveals my ex has turned holier, playlists queued only with devotional music, temples and shrines, Instagram posts with goddesses and bad metaphors and worse. Somehow, I feel she transformed from a liberal, talkative, jolly person who loved discussion and somewhat rational talks, to someone who clings on to faith. I find this to be quite depressing. It’s not my business, but I can’t help imagining she might have been a different person today had we been married, say, 6 or 7 years. I know I would’ve been a much happier person.

I can’t help feeling worse guilt, knowing that my ex thinks of me as the most terrible person who abandoned her for greener pastures. I made a bad decision, on the behest of my mother who raised insecurities and fears. I was manipulated, towards my own misery, complete waste of my time and efforts, while my parents showed a complete lack of ownership and responsibility. I did this with the hope that my parents would stop, and that my ex could move on. Eventually, she might at least understand the circumstances, maybe acknowledge me. Sadly, nothing I say mattered to her since the day I stopped talking to her. It saps me lifeless. I do not know what the point of this decade of my life.

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